Why God?

Aidan's obituary was in the newspaper today.  It is beautiful and because I know a lot of you that read this blog are believers, I'd like to ask you to join me in praying for this family right now.

"Aidan McCormick Shane Mar. 22, 2008 - Oct. 2, 2010 Beloved son of Molly and Jason Shane, died suddenly at his home on the morning of October 2, 2010. Born in San Francisco, Aidan lived his whole life at the family's home in the Presidio. He brought absolute joy to everyone whose life he touched. People will remember his bright blue eyes, his beautiful smile, and his infectious laugh. Aside from cuddling with his stuffed dog "Bo" and playing with his toy cars, trucks, and trains, he enjoyed listening to Pearl Jam and the Black Keys and watching Giants baseball and Michigan football. Aidan was very excited when he recently learned that he was going to be a big brother. He will live on in the hearts of his family and friends. Aidan is survived by his parents, Molly and Jason of San Francisco; Grandparents Rick and Phyllis Shane of Simsbury, Connecticut; Grandparents Paul and Susan McCormick of Castle Rock, Colorado; Uncle Adam and Aunt Anna Shane of Chicago, Illinois; Uncle Peter McCormick of San Francisco; Aunt Amy McCormick of Meyers, California; Cousins Connor and Caitlyn Shane of Chicago; Cousin Jack Seitz of Murfreesboro, Tennessee; Great Grandmother Margaret DeRizzo of Schenectady, New York; and many great aunts and uncles and other extended family. A memorial service will be held on October 7, 2010 at 4:00 p.m., at the Presidio Officers' Club, 50 Moraga Avenue in San Francisco. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made in Aidan's name to his school: Marin Day Schools, Laurel Heights Campus, ATTN: Nathalie Larsen, 3333 California Street, #220, San Francisco, CA 94118. "And sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky,... A human being that was given to fly."(As printed in the San Francisco Chronicle.)


And Keith's devotional was quite relevant today.  He wrote about believing in Christ during tragic times.  Here is an excerpt:

"...I did not know in that instant whether I believed in Christ or even in God the Father.  I experienced the great emptiness of death, was horrified… and desperately wanted proof and certainty.

But as I saw these things and faced the panic they brought, I also understood again with razor-sharp clarity the deep human meaning of the gospel of Jesus Christ for me:

• “Let not your hearts be troubled…” (John 14:1)
• “I go to prepare a place for you…” (John 14:3)
• “…be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

I saw that I could not capture faith once and for all time and put it in a box for safekeeping.  In the face of death and possible failure in my own life or in the lives of those I love, I could not even know for sure that “God is.”

“What am I going to do?”  I thought, trying not to give in to the wave of desperation I felt was about to break over me.  I had lived with faith for years, and it seemed to be crumbling all around me.  Then I knew.  All I could do to come to terms with my own death was to bet my life that Jesus Christ is “for real” and give Him my whole future.

I wish I could say that has been the only time in my life that I have gone through that cycle of doubt, panic, fear and re-commitment.  But the cycle has occurred in various ways again and again, until it has become evident to me that this Christian Way is not often entered through the lofty door of philosophical reasoning, but through a wager, a bet with fantastic stakes.  Because of what I have seen and heard in my own experience and in the lives of many others across the years, I have bet my life that God is, and that He is the kind of love that walked around in the life and actions of Jesus Christ.  I have wagered that He even loves me and wants me to be related as a child to Him.  And when out of great need, I have made this bet, I have stepped into a new dimension of life—life in which there is hope in history because God is at the end of the road for me and for all of us.

Now, although I still cannot know that God is real, I somehow do know. Even though I cannot prove it to you or even make the bet for you, I can say this: for me, these seem to be the only two alternatives—to live a worry-filled life of frantic hiding from myself and of psychological repression of thoughts about death and meaning, or to face death and life and make this strange gamble of faith that turns me outward toward other people and makes me want to be a loving person.  I can see no other way for me than following Christ."  (Click here to read more.)



I can see no other way as well.

God, I don't know why you took Aidan's life, but I have to have faith that you have a plan and I know that he is with You in the most glorious and beautiful place, protected forever and in your perfect care.  Please bring peace and comfort to his hurting family during this time.

Update and Scary Day

I continue to grieve for the loss my friend and her husband have experienced.  I have cried so much the last few days and my other girlfriends and I are in a state of shock.  I personally feel helpless and another friend put it, "numb."  That's it.  Numb.

We all want to do something but everything seems so pitiful compared to the loss - it's hard to make a decision.  What do you do for a couple, a family, that has just lost the most precious person in their lives?  The gesture, I understand, is what's important - letting them know that we love them and are thinking of them, but my heart wants to do more, as do we all. What do I want to do?  I want to fly out to California right now and I want to hold Molly really tight and I want to cry with her.  I want to just sit with her and hold her hand and hear stories about Aidan, look at pictures of him and be present to her.  Nothing can be said, no words can be spoken to make this better and really, there are no answers.  But being present sounds like it would help.  We want to help her with food, cleaning, grocery shopping, the basics.  Another idea that was brought up today was to plant a sapling in all of our respective yards.  All of us live in 7+ different states... but we can all do something to honor the memory of the sweet boy.  I like these ideas.

And after all of that emotion we had our own scare today, which I know was made worse by what my friend has went through.  Normally, a fever would not worry me at all, but when Blaine's school called me today I was worried.  He spiked a fever around 11 and asked to go lay down.  When I picked him up at 12:00 he was sobbing, telling me that his neck hurt.  I got him an appointment at 2:00 and we went home to wait.  His fever came down a bit but then on the way to the doctor's office he started crying again and was now holding his lower back telling to take him to the doctor because his back hurt.  I leaned into the back seat and held his little hand while I drove like a bat out of hell to the office.  After almost two hours, blood tests, urine tests and a flu test (not to mention a few tearful breakdowns and an accident on the floor) we found out that Mister just has a "nasty virus" and to monitor his temperature and give him lots of fluids.

Talk about scary!  But boy was my little man brave today.  He got poked and prodded and even had to have a little pee bag attached to his penis so they could get a urine sample.  He felt so crappy yet he made it through all of the tests.

Tonight he has slept a lot.  We managed to give him a bath and he's gotten two doses of pain reliever.  We're going to let him sleep with us tonight so we can monitor his temperature.  We also have to keep Sister healthy - - this should be interesting.

Here are the rest of the pictures from the weekend.  So much happened, it seems like a blur. Uncle Matt was visiting us too - he and Blaine had a great time together.  Blaine loves his "Uncle Matt Lyon".

Loss and Grief

This weekend was difficult.

A friend of mine has experienced a tremendous loss.  She and her husband lost their 2 1/2 year old son on Friday night.  He passed away in his sleep.  Nothing more is known at this time.

I had never met this sweet young boy, but if he was anything like the majority of toddlers his age that I know, or anything like my sweet Blaine then I guarantee he was full of joy, happiness, purity, kindness, gentleness, compassion, curiosity, questions, talent, laughter and love.  I met my friend in the fall of 1997 after we both rushed the same sorority - Pi Beta Phi.  She lived across the hall from me my Sophomore year and through our years of undergrad she was always happy, always having a good time and always interested and compassionate towards others.

Her son was their first - she is also pregnant with their second at this time.

The honest to God truth is that my faith was tested this weekend.  You hear, all the time, about children dying.  And just this year I have come face to face with children's deaths in my own life.  First, young 5-year old Julian - whose lifeless body I found at the beginning of the year tossed in the grass near my home.  His father's girlfriend had beat him to death and then tossed him out of her car like he was some piece of garbage.  Dealing with that tragedy was horrendous but I was comforted knowing that God had taken him out of an abusive home where he was surrounded by drugs and pain, both physical and emotional.  It was easy for me to understand why God might remove this young boy from the earth - He saved him.  His death was somehow ok because of his circumstances.

Then there is my friend.  She is in a happy and loving marriage.  They had a healthy and thriving and wonderful little boy.  Big beautiful blue eyes and a smile that could melt any heart.  How could it be?  How could God allow this family to experience such utter horror and pain.  Why, God?

I've asked it over and over again and I've spent the last few days in prayer.  I've asked dozens of people (who have in turn asked dozens of people) for prayer for my friend and her family.  And I come to the only conclusion that there is.  Only God knows why this family is experiencing tragedy right now.  But if anyone knows what they're going through then He does - because he lost his own son.

A family here in Austin (we did not know them but learned of their situation just today) lost their 2 year old, also in his sleep, over a year ago and she has been keeping a blog on their lives.  It was comforting and somewhat healing for me to read because she had 'been there and done that', yet she was able to move on and live her life.  Here is some of what she wrote:

From http://www.jackturpin.blogspot.com/ "I have been saying that there is “no score card for grief” but if there was, I would be amazed at how well I am doing. I am certainly not afraid to have moments where the tears come and they do come…for short periods of time. I have somehow had the fortune to be able to quickly remind myself of how blessed we were and how rich, happy and FUN Jack’s life was (and mine because of it!). It would be easy to grieve what won’t be but in that, I would be wasting all my energy when I could be thinking of how wonderful his life was. Believe it or not, that thought really carries me through the days and makes all of this make a bit more sense and not seem devastating. We know there is a circle of life and Jack’s circle just didn’t have the circumference that we wanted. If we know that we all live and we all die, it is quite simple. It is just unexpected how quickly it was for Jack…but again, to live with such joy is such a gift and there is no doubt that wherever he is, if life does continue on, he is in a great great place! Someone told me “If there is a heaven, Jack certainly took the express train to get there.” Love it!

I have struggled with thinking about “that night.” My mind would go back to the horror, the noises, the disbelief, the people in our house, having to be interviewed separately from Dan with a detective, having to role-play with a doll everything that happened, picturing Jack’s sweet little body laying for hours in our house and watching the EMS workers cry as they left. I wouldn’t say I was obsessing over it but after I learned that Jack had passed away in his sleep, I realized he wasn’t present in the way we know for any of that. What a comforting thought that his life was blissful even to the final minute. What a joy to know he was given a bath by “Doddy!” tucked in kissed and was told “I love you J-Boogie.” Can it really get better than that? That night doesn’t take away from his spirit, his wonderful life, the way he loved and was loved. I am happy to say that each day, I think less and less of that evening.


She speaks so much truth here.  And the only truth that I have left to offer is that with all my heart and soul and with every bit of intellect I have I know, without a doubt, there is a heaven.  I know there is a loving God that has a plan and knows what he is doing, even though I don't understand it.  I know Jack is in heaven and I know that my friends' sweet son is in heaven too.

I know that God has given my children to me for only a short time.  They are gifts from Him.  He has allowed me to be their mother and I am forever grateful and for each day that passes I am more thankful that I was given more time.

Thank you God for Blaine and Hannah and for the rest of the children in our lives.

Please pray for this family.